This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
