Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He has the fingertips of a God
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