Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
