you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
