My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Success! We fucked roommates!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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