somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
