Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
