I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
