Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
