Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
