You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
