p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
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so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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