I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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