Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
