I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
