It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
