It's Friday. Sex?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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