Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
