Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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