I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
