There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My butt remains clenched, sir.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
