I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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