I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
