I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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