this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
