I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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