Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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