Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
