I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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