the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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