We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
