Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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