I will die if light touches me.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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