I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
