Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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