this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
