this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
