She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
