And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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