we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
