Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish I only lived at night.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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