Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
