"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
