it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
