come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
