Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
