The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
