why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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