Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
