I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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