Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
