Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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