I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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