Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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