So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
