$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
