I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
