No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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