Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
